Ok, this is really good for just a first draft. I think your first two VOs need work though. I'm not feeling the intro too much. I like how you introduced us to him as an artist first. I'm glad you took that suggestion. I think the story works better with that as an opening. We can see his artwork first and then find out he's disabled. Remember that the viewers of Hiki No won't know where Ching Young Village is. Keep that in mind. You need to write the intro so that we don't have them asking, "Where is that?" Do you have any other interview with maybe a fellow artist or a customer that could maybe critique his work first? Then go into the sound bite from the parent that first mentions his accident. That second VO needs work too. I think it needs to be simpler. The next sound bite mentions it was in October. Because of that, I don't think you need to state it in your VO before that.
The whole piece seems long too. Have you tried to lay this out yet to see how long it is? I suspect it will need to be shortened. Let's get this on a timeline and see how long it is. Overall very well done.